henke on 14/1/2006 at 14:51

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:(

<so sorry scots>

TheGreatGodPan on 14/1/2006 at 22:37

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Deepest sympathies, but now I'm going to divert the thread to talk about me and people I know because its close enough to the topic and I felt it would be better than saying the same thing everyone else has said. My grandfather passed away two weeks ago. Nobody thought he would have lasted this long. The rest of the family seemed rather convinced that he hated what he was going through and didn't have much to live for. Some were confused why he kept going through dialysis, figuring that after he finished this or that shadowbox of military medals (his own and some relatives, including his brother who survived him and I met for the first time at his wake), but after one was done, he'd start another. I think he wanted one last christmas with the family.

Me and my family had only gotten back to Illinois a few days before we got the call that his blood pressure was too low to go through dialysis so he had a day or two left and wished to say goodbye to everyone. I had already been told (a few years in a row) that THIS TIME would be the last time I'd see him, so we'd all come to grips with it. My aunt, who spent the most time with him (to the detriment of her family, who were deprived of pretty much any time with her) had said the week before that when he passed on, she wouldn't be sad at all and would actually be glad for him. I think it is better when there is a lot of time beforehand for everyone to come to grips with things. I bet whenever someone dies suddenly and unexpectedly their loved ones regret not letting them know how much they cared, and if things are unexpectedly drawn out (as was the case here) you get to do it several times just in case one of them wasn't quite up to snuff.

I can honestly say that I wasn't sad either, and the smile on my grandfather's face in his coffin (I'm not going to entertain the cynical idea that it was manufactured by the talented people in the funeral business) made the corners of my own mouth start to curl upward as well (people who know me could tell you that a significant change in my usually blank facial expression would require pretty unusual circumstances). During the funeral service itself other family members would periodically start crying (except for one cousin who sustained it from beginning to end), and it seemed to be as contagious as laughter is said to be. I think the best word to decribe my own tears would be "secrete" in the sense of that being what they did. It wasn't any kind of steady vertical flow, but more like sometimes a few would manage to escape onto my face without any real direction. It was a cold day outside even for Minnesota, which is no time and place for a wet face, so each time I would grit my teeth, which proved effective at drying up my eyes at least until the next person started crying and it started all over again. I felt uncomfortable when it happened as its not something I normally do and I'd never been to a funeral before. I expected a eulogy from a family member, but the closest thing was a short ceremony at the funeral center from the Veterans of Foreign Wars, with very little said at the cemetery and no kind of church services either. I didn't see the coffin lowered into the grave either, although I did see the open grave by his deceased wife and first daughter. Nobody really wanted to wait out in the cold I suppose.

I suppose better etiquette would have been to start a thread when I got back, but I didn't really want to think or talk about it. I had pretty much gotten it out of my mind, but yesterday of my cousins dropped by with furniture from the house about to be sold that I don't know what we're going to do with nor particularly care as I go back to college in a few days. My dad is dead-set on keeping himself clear of the who-gets-what business of the estate, such an event having driven his father to only meet with his (aforementioned) brother in secret due to the venom each one's respective wives had for her opposite. Nothing remotely close to that seems plausible, but plenty of irritation had arisen between those more involved with the will earlier and there are points of likely contention that have yet to be known by some family members. I can only say I am glad I am not an adult other than in the legal sense as I certainly lack the capability to deal with that kind of issue and would not want to tell a kid that they won't see their grand/great-grandfather again and would be sorely inneffective at making them feel better afterward.

I didn't plan on ending on such a dreary note, but I shouldn't be all that surprised given the subject matter. I was going to say some more comforting and optimistic things but got the feeling they would sound rather hollow, especially as Scots is older than I and likely more used to this kind of thing. These two months are likely among the ones you'd least like to be in Scotland during. You've ended on a relatively high note and your last memories are going to be more along the lines of the super-grandmother you loved than they otherwise would be, which is the best way I can imagine (my own grandmother was an alchoholic who always had to make at least one family member miserable until her last years when she quit drinking and had a marriage so blissful her husband forgot every year that came before it and she died in her sleep with a big smile on her face that her now-adult-children found downright unrecognizable). Concentrate on your wife and imminent child, which (if its a girl) you might name after your grandmother provided you haven't already picked out a name. Best of luck to you and yours and happier days.

Shug on 15/1/2006 at 08:20

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Sorry to hear it Scots. :(

Scots Taffer on 16/1/2006 at 03:45

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Well, things are moving along. Practically all of my family are around her at the moment (she's in hospital), and they went to town on the old house and retrofitted it with stuff to help her if she has decreased mobility. Plus the family have decided one member can stay over at all times in addition to my grandad - so there's a very solid case for letting her move home for the next few months.

I've not spoken with her yet... it's hard enough to catch my family at the moment given the wonky time difference and their general state of dissarray. The shock is over and a large part of the grief too (for now, at least), so I'm really looking forward to chatting to her - telling her all about Brisbane and suchlike, and our new life. She'd want to hear that - she won't want to talk about death and memories, we talked about that enough before anyway (not the death part, but memories for sure).

Again, thanks for the kind words peeps. You don't know what a comfort it is.

Strangeblue on 16/1/2006 at 22:55

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I'm going to hang with Leddy on this, Scots: a small blessing in disquise under all this pain and unhappiness--your last sight of your grandmother was at her best; happy, vital, and enjoying your party. Hold on to that gift.

Closure is important and you'll get it eventually. But don't anticipate the pain to the detriment of your happiness in your new life and child.

I lost my favorite grandmother just before Easter last year. She died of complications of inoperable esophogeal cancer. She was 97 and a smart, vital, funny, amazing woman right up to the end. We were all incredibly grateful that she remained "herself" and had very little pain.

Though I'm very sad to hear this and I know you're upset and saddened, I say hold on to the wonderful about her, Scots. That's the important thing.