Thief13x on 26/4/2009 at 21:54
Yeah...not quite in the traditional sense of the phrase
So I've been getting in touch recently with family members and inviting them to my college graduation coming up in December. I figured I would get a head start to make sure everyone can make it. Besides, who the hell wouldn't want to visit Florida during mid December, right? I even offered to try and save some extra money this summer in case I needed to cover a few plane tickets.
I figured it would be a pretty open and shut case, right? well, as it turns out, over half of them won't be coming because, well...the other half will be there. Fuck, it's been 9 years of silence between some of them. What in the fuck is wrong with people? (any anwsers containing its your family will be promptly flames:cheeky:)
Seriously, I know family can be a bitch but come ON, it has literally been 10 years of waiting for apologies for some of these folks... over shit that happened in the 90's! comfort me oh ttlg
Syndy/3 on 26/4/2009 at 22:08
If they don't come just because they need to continue this feud they're being egotistical pricks pretty much. And you should tell them that. Make them feel guilty. At least you might get something nice for christmas this way.
Aerothorn on 26/4/2009 at 22:34
Where are you graduating from? And with what degree/major?
uncadonego on 27/4/2009 at 01:13
High school.
Don't worry about family stuff. Let it be and don't try to lay a guilt trip. That will be the start of your own ten year long feuds.
Nicker on 27/4/2009 at 03:29
If you try and play mediator or adjudicator, you will get burned.
That doesn't mean you can't, gently but directly, call their bullshit.
Point out the elephant in the room and tell them, very briefly, how you feel about it, without editorialising, accusing or playing for gulit. Just, there's this elephant and it makes me feel - sad, frustrated, angry, annoyed, disappointed... Remind everyone that the invitation is from you, to each of them as individuals and that it would really mean a lot to you, if they would honour you by attending.
jtr7 on 27/4/2009 at 03:46
Some things can't be apologised or forgiven away, like...personality traits, destructive or obnoxious behaviours, a lack of empathy, "borrowing" property, mental illness that results in tears and screaming every time, dark secrets (like molestation, murder, or suspicion of), betrayal, lack of accountability for heinous slights, perpetual slander/libel to other relatives and mutual friends, coveting money and property, paranoia about threats to one's money and property--strictly speaking of things that just never stop or go away or cannot be undone, with the often unrealistic belief the "other" person is somehow punished by one's private anger and bitterness. It may only be remedied or reduced to within tolerances by distance and lack of every possible means of communication. I'm just sayin'. To maintain any amount of remaining love one has for family, one may have to hold onto only good memories and never be around or communicate with a person again, 'cause any new, and guaranteed pain makes that love harder to reach while suffering through it, unless a person has the rare gift of staying strong and growing even more compassionate in the face of it. Tragic, but less toxic in the long run.
If your relatives are capable of staying civil and polite, even if it's forced, they should come, otherwise, it's only a dream.
gunsmoke on 27/4/2009 at 09:59
I have had to live in the middle of the father's side vs. the mother's side my whole life. You find a cure, write me a prescription.
Thief13x on 2/5/2009 at 18:00
Thanks for the suggestions folks, a few of us (has some folks who don't wanna go) are getting together for a day or so during the summer for the first time in a few years, and as much as I don't want to I'm gonna call some people on it, thx again for the input.
Quote Posted by Aerothorn
Where are you graduating from? And with what degree/major?
Florida Institute of Technology with Aviation Computer Science, well, assuming I graduate haha
Dia on 3/5/2009 at 13:36
Quote Posted by Nicker
If you try and play mediator or adjudicator, you will get burned.
Agreed. You may have good intentions T13, but you have to remember that those feuds are taken seriously by the people involved, no matter how stupid or trivial they seem to you. I've been to functions where one guest faction isn't on good terms with the other guest faction and you could cut the tension with a knife. The negativity/hostilities between the two were obvious and just made everybody else uncomfortable and ill at ease. It was a relief when one faction finally left.
I'd say just leave it alone and enjoy the company of those who do show up. If you try to mediate you just end up caught in the middle and chances are both factions will end up not speaking to you and/or resenting your attempts to fix things.
It's sad when family members can't put aside their differences for the sake of one who's not involved in their feuds, but your celebrations will be more enjoyable if the feuders
don't show up and bring their feuds along with them.
Congratulations, btw. :)
Thief13x on 3/5/2009 at 15:42
Thanks:D I've been reading through this thread again trying to decide on what to say, or whether to say anything at all and just caught this...
Quote Posted by jtr7
strictly speaking of things that just never stop or go away or cannot be undone, with the often unrealistic belief the "other" person is somehow punished by one's private anger and bitterness.
I don't think anything could more accurately describe the situation. I'm not even sure either side realizes that the only one's they're 'punishing' is everyone standing around them, because neither side really gives a shit about the other anymore, which is sad seeing we were all really close 10-15 years ago growing up.
I think it must run in my family or something. This same bullshit happened with both sets of grandparents and multiple aunts, uncles, parents, etc. We didn't even attend their funerals and in the end there was little regret except amoung the kids. I could never get used to the "don't anwser the phone it's grandpa" either which is EXACTLY what is playing out between the same people that were put through this years ago. Argh, sorry to rant, anyways, thanks again guys, time to go think about how to talk to them but not to freak out:p
