Sypha Nadon on 5/4/2010 at 22:31

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There was a time many years ago in which I used to post threads on here pretty much every day, usually about the most minor and inconsequential things. But these days, I pretty much have Facebook for that. Today I was looking at my profile and I saw that since late September of 2005, I had only posted 20 threads since then... and the 20th of these posts was a thread asking about how one went about paying for bus fare (which I'm sure at least a few people around here still find amusing). In 2008 I only did about 3 threads, last year I only did one... it's been almost a year since I did a thread on these forums, actually. I figure I should do at least one more big thread before I turn 30 in a few months, so here goes. At first I wasn't sure what I should write about: my latest health ailments? The fact that I recently beat "Dragon Age: Origins"? That might not be very interesting to read, so instead I'll talk about my personal life. In fact, I may have mentioned this awhile back, if not on here than maybe on #thief, because I recall Paz writing a song about the story in question, so in a way, it is somewhat related to something I may have wrote about on here in the past.

In the spring of 2003, my final semester at Rhode Island College, I only had one class, an advanced writing course that was the most elite writing course in the whole college (though remember, I'm talking about Rhode Island College here, not Harvard). You couldn't enroll in this course, rather you had to be invited into it by the professor. So there were only about 7 or 8 students in this class, counting myself. A very small and intimate group, you could say. We met once a week and it was probably one of the funnest courses I've ever taken in my life.

At that period in my life, I considered myself gay. I had come out to my parents a few years before then, was a member of the campus gay/straight/bi/trans alliance (some of you old-timers may recall all this). What I'm trying to articulate is that going into my final semester at college, I felt like, for the first time in my life, I had a secure identity. But it didn't last long. There was one classmate I developed feelings for. I denied them at the time, but months later, that summer, after I had graduated, I found myself wishing that I had gotten to know her better when we were still classmates. Her name was Judi, and she was a lot like me: she dressed all in black, in a kind of Gothic/punk rocker look, and we quickly realized that we had similar tastes in music (in particular, we both loved Siouxsie & the Banshees... who I still adore, I should add). She seemed to enjoy my poems and short stories quite a bit, always writing little notes to me in the margins and suggesting I explore the music of Black Flag and the writings of Henry Rollins. At the time, she seemed to have a lot of low self-esteem in regards to her own stories and poems, and I recall trying my hardest to be encouraging.

But that was all in college. After graduating, I assumed I'd never see her again, and I feel into a depressive state. But then one day, towards the end of 2003 or so, I spotted her working at the local Borders bookstore that I frequented every few weeks or so. I was kind of shocked about that, and I wanted to reintroduce myself to her again, but every time I went to the bookstore I chickened out and just avoided her. Whether she ever noticed me, I have no idea. I recall talking about all of this on #thief aeons ago, and people on here became so frustrated with my inaction that Paz wrote a song entitled something like "Girl in the Bookstore" (God, my memory is so good I even vaguely recall some of the lyrics to that one). Finally, I did work up the courage to speak to her again, in February of 2004, a week before I started working full-time at Barnes & Noble. We only spoke for about a minute or so, caught up on old times a bit, I told her how I had gotten that Henry Rollins poetry book she had recommended I look into. And that was that. When I visited Borders again a couple of weeks later, she wasn't there anymore, so I assumed she had gotten another job elsewhere.

It's hard to believe that this all happened six years ago... how times flies and all that. I moved on in my life and got involved in other things. For awhile I went through a bisexual period, then for awhile I went through a strictly homosexual period (I even went on a date with a guy I met online, though the relationship went nowhere, probably because he was like a decade younger than me). I kind of forgot about Judi, I guess, though every now and then I did wonder what she was up to: did she still live in Rhode Island? Was she still writing? Was she married with kids? Stuff like that, which i don't think is that uncommon.

Then, last month, while archiving some of my old papers from college, I came across some of her poems from that writing class, along with some of my own work that she had commented on. Curious, I decided to look her up on Facebook, and I saw that she had recently started up a profile on there. And that she also had a website. I saw that she was in fact still living in Rhode island, was single, was a freelance journalist, had self-published a novella in late 2009. And I guess seeing her face again after six years was kind of a shock for me because I found all my old feelings for her coming back. First I ordered her novella. Then I decided to try to get in touch with her, which a part of me wishes I had never done.

I added her as a friend on Facebook. I didn't know is she still remembered me, so in the friend request I mentioned how we had been classmates at RIC back in 2003. But she never added me as a friend, and a few days after I sent the request I checked out her page again and saw that, rather than saying "friend request pending," it was back to the "add as a friend" option. Which I took to mean she had declined my request. All things considered, I probably should have dropped the whole affair then and there. But then I started rationalizing: maybe I had forgotten to actually send the friend request. Maybe Facebook had fucked up and she had never gotten it (hey, stranger things have happened). Maybe she was just very, very selective about who she friended on there. So I decided to read her novella and then e-mail her my thoughts on it (after all, her website did give her e-mail address).

Man, the more I go on about this, the more it seems like a really bad modern-day Seinfeld plot. So I read her novella. Now, having self-published myself, I know how easy it can be to miss typos when you're proofreading your own work, but I was shocked at how many spelling mistakes that I came across. Not only were the margins not justified, but even the cover was kind of chintzy: a stock photograph of a school hallway centered in a generic background. I think I was hoping that the book would be a work of art, and it didn't help that I read it right after I read Cormac McCarthy's superb "Blood Meridian." Yet despite all of this, I found the book to be an enjoyable read, maybe because I could relate to the main character and her problems, having grown up during the same time period as she did (the late 80's and the early 90's).

So I e-mailed Judi my thoughts. I think it was a casual enough e-mail, as far as these things go. I reintroduced myself, told her what I liked and didn't like about her novella, etc. I think it was polite enough. It's not like I said "we should hang out" or "let's be friends" or anything like that. I figured most authors love getting feedback about their work, esp. self-published authors. But she never responded to that e-mail either.

In the end, I figured there really wasn't anything I could do. She obviously wants nothing to do with me at all. I wished if such was the case she could at least tell me rather than just ignore me, but oh well: maybe closure is overrated anyway. To say I'm disappointed is kind of an understatement, as I would have even settled for just being friends, but I guess that maybe the problem lies more with me than her: maybe I've just idealized her all these years and now I see she no longer resembles the girl I remember. I mean, it wasn't as if we were really close in college: aside from sharing tastes in music and literature, that was about it. She strikes me as someone who is very normal now... not that that's a bad thing. On her favorite music list on Facebook, for example, it's almost all classic rock like the Doors or Kiss or Led Zeppelin. Maybe she just wants nothing to do with her past. I don't know. I haven't tried to get in touch with her since that e-mail, figuring that to do so would just make me look totally pathetic. Also, I don't want her to think I'm some creepy stalker or something. After all, her dad IS a cop. So there's really nothing to do but accept that it was never meant to be and move on. And maybe it's for the best that this settles now, rather than years down the line.

Still, while shopping today I found myself buying a Led Zeppelin greatest hits CD. I've never owned a Led Zeppelin CD in my life. Listening to the songs now, they seem to mean a lot more than they ever did before.

Holy shit, I'm looking through some of my old threads and I see one titled "I feel ambiguous about my chap-stick." Did I actually post that on here? The mind boggles.

Gingerbread Man on 5/4/2010 at 23:20

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You've posted worse than that, my friend. Do you not recall the not-too-distant "How do I ride bus?" If the phrase "attention whore" hadn't already existed, we would have coined it for you. :D

Regardless. Your post is rambling, pointless, asks no questions, provokes no real discussion, and serves only to alert utter strangers as to the minutiae of your life. A perfect E/N, sir.

Except for ONE SMALL GLARING ERROR HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I shall reveal your blunder here:

Your vanity is in VAIN, sir. We care not a WHIT for you wallows and whines! We insist on smiling and saying YAY and sincerely wishing you goodness!

You think you've changed / matured / become more comfortable / learned not to try so goddamned hard? How do you think WE see it? DO YOU REMEMBER SIR? DO YOU? HOW IT BEGAN?

My point -- in this nonsense waste of internet that I am doing -- is that as I read this I smiled, I was interested, and it was good to "hear from you" (as they say). So, ironically, your perfect E/N has failed under the weight of my interest and goodwill.

Next time write something boring that makes me irritated at you for wasting my time. Fuck's sake, you know how I like it. :mad:

The Alchemist on 5/4/2010 at 23:43

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Your posts have improved! Your attempts at being a human being have not. :| Ah. ah. ah. I kid. This stuff happens dude. It should have happened years and years ago but to each his own.

Also, am I the only one that still looks at our join date and thinks: "God, I've been on this forum for far too long?" Oh fuck, you've been here but one day and your emo is rubbing off.

Rug Burn Junky on 6/4/2010 at 00:02

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Maybe that Borders/Barnes & Noble chasm is just too big of a divide for her to jump across.

Enchantermon on 6/4/2010 at 00:37

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You could start (http://www.ttlg.com/forums/search.php?searchid=44806) here.

Sorry, Sypha. But take heart in the fact that you actually tried. Many people (myself included) never get the guts to go that far, so you should already be proud of yourself. :)