Anarchic Fox on 23/8/2020 at 03:10
(
https://schalakitty.itch.io/diagnostics) Diagnostics by Schala Kitty is a hypertext adventure, and the most gentle story I know. Disclaimer: I am a friend of a friend.
Sulphur on 23/8/2020 at 07:47
It's interesting. Bears the hallmarks of a first-time writer, or at least someone who hasn't yet had an editorial voice ask to trim away the fat.
Things that stand out to me as an admittedly serial nit-picker, but I think these are basic points for anyone who writes fiction:
a) The pronouns do get confusing when a scene references more than one person
b) Masses of unnecessary/distracting dialogue verbs - 'inquires', 'assures', 'promises', 'informs', when 'says' or 'responds' or in fact removing the explanatory verb would work in their place much better and not knock the reader out of the dialogue
c) When I click to the next passage, and it's a page that requires liberal scrolling, part of me gets impatient at the sight of large paragraphs of text in a large font
d) Related to c), there could be more economy to the prose in general that can also trim out the awkwardness of describing everyone in terms of their clothing and physical characteristics when they're introduced; this extends also to the oddly specific descriptions of some things like the doctor's bag
e) One of the most important things about stories is the setup: there needs to be a conflict of some sort, even if it's slice of life. This one hasn't really illustrated any apart from some minor tension about a summit within the first ten minutes of reading. This is extremely important as not just a narrative framework, but also as motivation for the reader to see where things are headed. While I was reading this, there were constant questions in my mind in the general nature of, 'Why should I care about these detailed explanations of this person's routine?', and specifically in an early scene, 'Am I actually motivated by the story to read this exceedingly detailed Nintendo sequence?'
I like how different and, yes, gentle the story is overall. Obviously we do need more stories with unique voices that explore concepts like technology and gender. But I am struggling to press on with it - perhaps it's just that the opening build-up is too long, and it kicks into gear eventually.
Anarchic Fox on 23/8/2020 at 07:53
The game is currently in its first draft. Do you mind if I point Schala to your criticism?
Sulphur on 23/8/2020 at 07:54
Not at all, I'm happy if it helps in any way.
