Adjunct010 on 13/3/2006 at 23:15
(
http://www.aligningaction.com/climate.htm)
transforming a defensive climate
Communication climate becomes defensive when people feel their social images or personal integrity is under attack. It is difficult for people to work constructively on issues in a defensive climate since so much energy is expended in defending images and acting out emotions. Transforming hostile defensive climates into accepting productive ones requires special skills. Remember that the ultimate aim of all effective communication is to achieve alignment of goals and processes. The skills outlined below serve a number of important aligning functions while at the same time keeping you from becoming defensive yourself:
General Guidelines.
The way you approach a situation suggests the way which you wish others would approach it. Not acting or sounding defensive, therefore, puts some pressure on others to follow your lead. It also reduces the escalation of defensiveness which often occurs.
Keep the focus on the issue and away from personalities. People become emotional and irrational when they feel under attack.
Remain firm in your position, calm in your approach, and sincere in your attitude. Don't let the other person dictate how you are going to approach the issue.
Keep explanations of your position to a bare minimum until defensiveness has disappeared. Explanations, however valid, sound like excuses in a defensive climate.
Avoid offering insincere apologies, unless required by your social role. Insincere apologies escalate the defensiveness.
Asserting Motives.
Firmly establish a stance which you can hold without becoming defensive. If you are to enter a constructive dialogue with another person, information about your motives must be communicated and the person must let you know where he or she stands. Until the person is willing to work with you to discover mutual goals, this stance may be repeated occasionally using different phrasing.
(1) Assert process-related motives. Clearly describe how you want to approach the issue with the other person. A defensive climate rules out choices which would be constructive in a supportive climate. For example, an honest explanation may be interpreted as an excuse by a defensive person. Waiting for the person to agree to engage with you constructively usually means that the person will be more ready to engage with you.
“I want to negotiate this with you.”
“I want to explain what happened.”
“I want to understand your policy on this issue.”
(2) Assert issue-related motives. Reveal your interests in the outcome of the dialogue. If you are convinced your motives are fair, they provide a solid stance which you can hold until the person is ready to negotiate in good faith. Feel free to shift position when you feel honest justification in doing so. Holding a stance in spite of pressure and manipulative tactics, shows strength and convinces the other person that the only way to deal with you is in a straightforward manner.
“I want a refund of my money.”
“I want you to ask before using my property.”
“I don’t want you to be suspicious when I talk with on old friend.”
Redefining Attacks.
Defending, denying, or fighting an attack escalates a defensive climate. You regain control, however, if you treat the attack as though it were a constructive comment. By finding what is useful in an attack, you use the negative energy of the attack to begin to address the issue. Redefining an attack is far from giving in to the other person’s position—you maintain your stance by repeatedly asserting your motives. In the mean time, you receive important information about the issue, and the other person becomes less hostile as he or she vents negative information.
(3) Sidestep personal attacks. Agree with negative statements to the extent you honestly can agree. Don’t allow the person’s negative energy to involve you in the destructive pattern. Honest agreement may also help focus the issue when the person is ready to deal with you.
“I agree with your point that…”
“I think you might be right that…”
“I agree in principle when you say…”
(4) Redirect negative energy. Encourage the person to expand more on what they are saying. Turn the negative energy of an attack into a constructive exploration of information which will eventually help to resolve the issue or at least exhaust the negative emotion which is getting in the way of productive discussion.
“What do you mean by that?”
“Would you say more about that?”
“What do you think could be done about that?”
Humanizing Contact.
A major source of defensiveness is that people do not feel valued. We need to remind defensive people what we are human and let them know that we care about them as fellow humans. While defensiveness exists, great personal disclosure may be inappropriate and quite risky. Mild expressions of emotion and empathy which are sincere may be more effective in building a warmer climate of interaction.
(5) Disclose non-threatening feelings. Monitor what’s going on inside you, and honestly express socially-acceptable feelings which do not imply criticism of the other person. More complete disclosures should be saved for when the other person is ready to listen.
“I’m concerned about this issue.”
“I care about how you feel.”
“I’m not interested in buying any magazines.”
(6) Acknowledge the other’s position. Acknowledgment may take may take various forms: paraphrasing beliefs and values, stating empathy with feelings, recognizing boundaries or constraints experienced by the other person. Making the effort to understand shows caring and respect, but it must be done sincerely.
“You’re saying that…?”
“I understand you’re feeling betrayed.”
“I realize that that’s your policy.”
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Copyright 2001, Richard D. Rowley.
Last revised: August 12, 2001 .
