Vasquez on 21/12/2007 at 21:19

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You would've saved a lot of time and effort if you'd chosen to become a cynic right away :joke:

Seriously - world will never be allright, because there'll always be people who believe they Know Better.

fett on 21/12/2007 at 22:30

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You're better off with Good Omens. I like Lewis, but Omens is more entertaining and not quite so ham-fisted.

fett on 22/12/2007 at 02:10

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Edit: You really don't want to read all this. And it's the Cliff's Notes version. :p

Oddly, it's been a kind of drawn out thing. I'd say it first started about 8 years ago when I admitted to myself that I could be 'spiritually' (or at least emotionally) moved by music that wasn't strictly 'Christian' - that being worship music, and more specifically the rock music I was heavily involved with at the time. This was a quite coincidental - I lived in Little Rock Arkansas for the better part of 15 years. LR isn't really known for it's music, but both Evanescence and Living Sacrifice came from there, and one of the guys in P.O.D. is from there. I played in bands and went to church with most of those guys (and girl) and many of them attended bible studies that I taught in the area for years before they got signed. So I've also seen the inside of that entire industry and was deeply entrenched in the christian music scene as well. Obviously it's not all it's cracked up to be, but the shock for me was finding that I could be 'moved' by music outside of that circle - NIN, The Cure, King'sX, etc. That may seem a small thing to some, but for me it was the first chink in the armor.

There was also the typical disillusionment of serving under/with people who were in ministry for money, women, power, and so on, but you always tell yourself that they are the exception, or at the very least, that Christians aren't perfect. Fair enough. Over the years though, I started to notice that for all the years I tried to be 'conformed into the image of Christ' by 'the power of the Holy Spirit', nothing was really changing internally. I didn't approach Christianity academically either. I really believed that at the age of 13 I had a life-changing conversion, and truly had a relationship with Jesus Christ. I believed that the Holy Spirit was leading me in my life decisions. I prayed, studied the bible, tried to be as free from 'sin' as I could, and trusted God for eternal life. It was because of this deep commitment that I decided to go after a theology degree, study Mid-eastern history, etc. - I wanted to understand the Bible more deeply so I could be more Christ-like.

Also over the years, I noticed that a long list of my experiences didn't square with the what the Bible taught (that could be a whole 'nother thread). You can excuse and justify it for awhile, but eventually you have to admit that everything doesn't fit into the Biblical framework. I had to admit that for all my knowledge and heartfelt pursuit of Christ-likeness, I was still very much the same person, with the same temperament and disciplines as I was at the age of 13. No 'sin' had been conquered, I had not in fact produced spiritual 'fruit' (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control) beyond what was already inherent in my personality. I've never been very rebellious, or much of a risk-taker, never gotten into much trouble, drank too much, used drugs, etc. I married my high-school girlfriend (16 years in April!). I'm a pretty decent guy IMO and that's something I owe to my parents, extended family, and military lifestyle as a kid - not to a supernatural change that overtook me at the age of 13.

So over time I continually found myself on the outside of mainstream Christianity, gravitating toward less-traditional groups like Calvary Chapel where I was a pastor for about 9 years. Due to some illnesses and financial issues we decided to move about 3 hours north (this was roughly 2 years ago). Due to a some controversy surrounding the divorce of a friend, my 'sabbatical' here in NW Arkansas, and some other things, we never got started going to the local Calvary Chapel here. So we've been out of church for basically 2 1/2 years at this point.

Here's the kicker: In that time, I've been 'out of fellowship', haven't cracked a bible for any spiritual purpose, prayed, tithed, worshiped, or done anything else related to Christianity, the church, or Jesus. For all intents and purposes my relationship with God is estranged. Get this - Not a single aspect of my marriage, personality, or other relationships has changed. To the contrary, I have been more happy, fulfilled as a husband and father, content, and at peace than I have been since I was 13 and set about to be like Jesus.

If nothing has changed, or in fact has gotten better - both 'spiritually' and physically since I gave up on a relationship with God, obviously it was not having any kind of dramatic, or even slight impact or effect on who I am as a person. Nor has this change made me any less generous, compassionate, empathetic, or concerned about the people around me, or the plight of strangers. Why? Because the good things about my personality - the 'godly' traits - were genetic and social in origin, not spiritual. But you couldn't have convinced me of that three years ago. I was scared to step outside of a relationship with God. I thought I'd become a hate-filled, depressed, purposeless liberal who would wander aimlessly through the rest of my life. Honestly, I feel like I missed 20 years of my life and have just started to really live - to really enjoy and appreciate my family, my heritage, and the miracle of the world around me. Music and literature are sweeter and more meaningful - maybe because I'm not trying to cram everything into my theological framework and just letting art be what it is.

This is what being born again should feel like.

Epos Nix on 22/12/2007 at 03:49

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I've been to church 5 times in my life, don't believe in a Grand Creator let alone pray to one, and lead what many Christians would call a sinful lifestyle, what with me living with my girlfriend and having premarital sex and such... and yet here I am defending religion...

Wacky world, ain't it? :D

paloalto90 on 22/12/2007 at 06:33

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My parents joined the church too sing in the choir.They were too deaf spiritually to hear the angels singing around them both day and night.
A matter of listening and refining your perception.