The Alchemist on 14/2/2008 at 05:53
After an unfortunate accident that landed me in the hospital, I've noticed a few changes in my behavior. Specifically in my compulsions. I've always been a sorta compulsive person and I've always been kinda tidy, but lately I don't know if it's getting out of hand. I vacuum my apartment daily, and the process is a bit redundant no less. I vacuum, wipe the tables, then have to vacuum again because it feels like whatever I wiped off the tables fell onto the floor. I arrange the stuff on my desk so they line up but it's not like it kills me if they're not lined up, I just tend to arrange them. Today a friend came over and went through my dvd's and I couldn't sit and watch it with him until I restacked and realigned my stack of dvd's next to the console. And sometimes I use chlorox wipies on the floor even after I've vacuumed, to pay attention to some spots or sticky areas or whatever. I wash my hands a lot too, because I insist on not getting anything on my Macbook or my console controllers.
Now the thing is I do these things casually and they don't really bug me, I just feel a lot better if I do them. They don't get in the way so as to be a problem, they sort of just make me really clean and tidy. It feels more like something I can turn on or off as I want to, there are times I come home and everything is a mess and I don't care. But once I set myself out to clean up a little, it kinda snowballs from there, and I end up cleaning up a lot. There are times here and there I guess where I wonder if this is controlling me, because it doesn't make sense that I cant just sit down and enjoy a movie without reorganizing the dvd cases. I mean I guess I could, I could force myself, but the fact that the desire to fix it is so strong is strange to me.
Now, if it stays at the level its at, it's not a problem. But if it gets worse, I might have to look into it. I just don't understand why this manifested itself to begin with, or why it would get worse.
Ok see, like right now, to my left, there's a hat and a piece of paper on this big dish chair thing I have next to me. It's there and that's fine, but it sort of bugs me. There's a part of me that says hang the hat and put away the paper. I see it there and it's not like I jump at it to fix it, but the idea does cross my mind every time I look at it. Man in writing this I'm starting to sound really crazy. It's not constant, just sometimes. I notice it everywhere, there's this sort of symmetry and cleanliness that I'm craving and I don't understand why. There's a house phone, a cell phone, and the tv remote on the table next to me, and I notice that they are not perfectly parallel and not equally spaced apart. What I'm trying to explain it's not that I go and fix it, but I see it, the thought crosses my mind, why should I care how they are laid out on the table. Why does it bug me at all? I guess I'm just becoming OCD it just feels surreal that this is happening.
Is it normal to think about these things sometimes? It sorta feels like these thoughts are always there, the difference now is just that I act on them, where as before I might have noticed something unaligned and not actually done anything.
Any suggestions?
Edit: I also seem to need/want volume to always be at an even number. If it lands at an odd I always move it to an even number. Which frustrates me because sometimes the odd number is just the right volume, but 2/3 times I won't use it because it's odd.
jtr7 on 14/2/2008 at 06:19
Moments like these are "normal" when you are bored, restless, nervous, have too much time.
Otherwise, it's anything from ADHD to OCD. ADHD is more controllable, while OCD takes over your life, and frankly, the lives of those around you. Do you feel anxiety if you don't give in to the impulses? Do you feel it's gonna be the end of the world if you don't tidy up? Do you believe you have little or no choice? Does it become all you can think about? If so, please seek help. If you don't, please pay attention to how those around you are reacting to your behavior.
Hopefully you just have too much energy from wanting to get back into the swing of things like you were before the accident.
The Alchemist on 14/2/2008 at 06:26
Yes, I think you're right. I'm just really focused on getting on with my life (no need for detail but the accident was an apex of a series of mistakes). It doesn't bug me if I don't give in to it. And it's always just a passing thought, not some overwhelming obsession.
Piccy on 14/2/2008 at 06:26
It is only OCD if you feel absolutely compelled to complete the tasks. One way to determine this is if you feel the need to do a compulsive act, don't do it. See how you feel about it. Does anxiety increase or do you feel nothing. If anxiety does increase, what are your fears of what will happen if the task isn't completed.
If you do feel anxiety, just remember that it is usually (if not always) unjustified fear, and that anxiety will decrease over time. As you resist more and more, the duration of the anxiety decreases as well. Keep this in mind
I was diagnosed with OCD last year and while there is nothing to be ashamed of, most OCD sufferers try to hide there obsessions/compulsions.
the_grip on 14/2/2008 at 06:40
i would also add that there is no dividing line for mental conditions. For example, everyone is a "little" OCD, or a "little" paranoid, or a "little" depressive. i fall into the former (OCD) although it is much less than it used to be.
In middle school i thought that, if i drank one Dr. Pepper, i had to drink another to balance out my "luck".
Nowadays, i have to have my car stereo stations left in certain positions for FM1, FM2, and AM. i logically know nothing will happen if i don't, and i logically have no problem not doing this. However, i do feel like my "luck" is better with these in place. i personally think this stems from my own very small amount of personal anxiety from the short-term investing i do, and it thereby serves as a steam valve of sorts.
There are other little quirks, but none of these indicate OCD in terms of needing treatment. i'm just using an example to show that mental conditions are a spectrum, not a black and white category.
Regarding your cleaning, i would chalk it up to short-term boredom or anxiety from your accident. Obviously, if your behaviors have changed post-accident, then you can be certain of the cause. If you become particularly fearful either due to your activities (or the lack of completing them), you find yourself hampered at work or elsewhere due to them, you begin to become paranoid, or if you are simply bothered by them, then i would seek help. Otherwise, i'd just recognize them as means to stemming boredom or anxiety and loosely keep an eye on them to make sure they do not become obsessive.
Above all, if you ever feel like someone is trying to personally hurt you, if you ever feel obliged to hurt another, or if you feel particularly inclined to hurt yourself, then you need to find help immediately. Outside of that, it would help to find new or existing hobbies to help clear your head. i personally love boardgames - not Monopoly, but more sophisticated games - for this ((
www.boardgamegeek.com) is a fantastic website for this).
Best of luck!
jtr7 on 14/2/2008 at 08:17
Yeah. It's obviously not black and white, but that doesn't matter to those who might be negatively affected. I've known several people that have OCD-like behaviors. Two of them are extreme, and have this exhausting obsession with asking me if I want something to eat or drink. They have other behaviors, but this one is disruptive to me, personally. I can easily tolerate the other behaviors. The frequency of them asking me is heightened when they are hungry and/or preparing food, and drops to once every fifteen minutes when they have been full for an hour or so. I started hanging out with them after they showed interest in some of my projects and wanted to do try a collaboration. We never got anything accomplished. I was as tolerant as my patience and energy would allow, after three hours of them talking about what they were going to do, and never getting around to doing it, peppered with:
"You want something to drink?"
"No thanks. I'm fine."
"I got water, orange juice--but I think my roommate drank from the carton, so..heh heh heh."
"That's okay. I'm good."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"Oh! I have milk! Oh, it's expired. Nevermind. Sorry."
"That's okay. I don't need anything. Sooo...what kind of music do you love to play?"
"Huh? Oh, jazz! You sure you don't want something to drink?"
"Absolutely. Any particular flavor of jazz?"
"I like it all... Hey, are you hungry?"
"Uhh--"
"I could cook up some pasta."
"I'm not hungry, now. It's gonna be hours before I get hungry."
"It's just spiral noodles. I don't have anything to go with it, except maybe tuna. Yeah! I could mix tuna in with it!"
"Are YOU hungry? If you're hungry, go ahead and eat. It won't bother me. But I'm fine."
"Just to warn you, I always don't cook it long enough. I can't stand soggy pasta. Heh! I like the way it crunches. You get used to it."
"No, really, I'm not hungry. Thanks."
This was a typical visit with either of them. Two men, two locations, two different times, the same scenario with variations in detail. They were exuberant and talked excitedly about how they wanted to work with me on some project or other, and never did anything but happily talk about it, in between offers of food and drink. This is why I suggest paying attention to the reactions of those around you to this behavior you know is unusual. But you've fairly eliminated any real worry. The fact that you are aware, and know roughly when it started, is good.
Matthew on 14/2/2008 at 11:18
I can identify with all of the things that you've said, Alch. I'm a bit better than I used to be, but sometimes I can just feel my hands start to tingle for lack of washing them, or that I really have to wash my hands before touching that game because it's just new and I wouldn't want anything on it, would I?
Odd/even numbers also, oh very much so.
It sometimes takes a conscious effort to just say to myself, "Leave it." As I said I've been able to cut down on a lot of it, mostly by just not doing whatever it was I was 'wanting' to do and proving to myself that things turned out all right anyway. Does this make any sense at all?
PigLick on 14/2/2008 at 12:01
you are all anal retentive nerds, thats the fucking problem
Matthew on 14/2/2008 at 12:19
You don't understand my passions!
The_Raven on 14/2/2008 at 14:21
I've been diagnosed with OCD for awhile now. It's generally under control now with medication, but I still have a tendency to go a little overboard. Most of it is hand washing and stuff like that. Funny thing is that I'm pretty much as far from a neat freak as you can get.
