This is the story of two goats. One is as black as midnight, thus his very creative name, Midnight. His coat may be black, but his heart is golden and he is like a ray of sunshine on a gloomy day. He's content to sit in the grass and nibble away at the weeds and just be an all around good guy. He likes freshly cut grass, all weeds, vines, corn and sweet feed. He hasn't been with us for very long, but he's been a joy to have here.

Then there's Mr. Marbles. He's a much larger goat who will head-butt a fence post, a shed, a car, a lawnmower, a cat or anything else that looks too perfect. He likes things to be dented, knocked over or destroyed. He will eat anything. I mean anything. He will try to eat your clothes off your body and has tried to steal cigarettes out of the hands of visitors. He's very good at hopping fences or bashing them down. If there is a car he can get to, he will climb on the hood and leave a million little hoof dents in it. He'll pull the windshield wipers off for you, pull the trim pieces off, eat them and then use his head to bash out all the marker lights. He can even open the doors if left alone to ponder it long enough. He likes freshly cut grass, all weeds, vines, corn, sweet feed, ornamental shrubs, all expensive plants and trees, Fritos, siding, insulation, plastic, metal, cloth, and most composite materials. He also seems to be addicted to nicotine.

These two wethers are attached to each other, so you can't have good without evil. Midnight screams his head off when he can't see Mr. Marbles. We need a home for them where they can be kept together and FAR away from any houses, sheds, vehicles, or cigarettes. We'd like to find a friendly, responsible goat farm for them. Although we've threatened to barbecue Mr. Marbles many, many, many, many times, we do prefer that neither of them be used for food. We will give them free to a good home. Please email if interested. WE WILL NOT SEPARATE THEM, so please understand that you cannot have the good without the evil. This is a package deal. We will not be held responsible for the damage Mr. Marbles is going to do to your property. Once again, these goats are FREE to a good home. All we ask is that you return our lawnmower key if Mr. Marbles happens to eventually poop it out. Thank you.

UPDATE: Mr. Marbles has now learned how to turn on the water faucet. He thinks it's so cool that he does it constantly, all day long. Sometimes throughout the night. I know there has to be someone out there who would appreciate this unique skill. Not every goat knows how to drain a well.

Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit.

Date: 2009-04-29, 1:39AM EDT

I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit.

I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.

I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure.

I will require at least a 5 minutes stay.

A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure.

Please supply your own footwear.

The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery.

DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.

WANTED: Owner Manual for a Male, 1996 Model Child

I hope someone out there might be able to help. I need the detailed instruction manual for a 1996 model child.

We are the original owners/parents. For the first ten years, no real complaints. Everything seemed to run smoothly and work great. Then suddenly I would notice little things here and there, like the child�s eyes rolling almost every time I spoke. This was one of the first of many malfunctions. A few of the others are:

Child�s room, along with pretty much any place in the house he spends time in, are complete disaster zones. The upkeep is really taking its toll. Trails of little wrappers, garbage, empty food containers and dirty cups follow him everywhere. There is a odor always lurking from the room that can only be described as a mixture of dirty socks, ass & old pizza.

The personal hygiene of the child has become a daily struggle. Child won't even think to brush own teeth unless you stand there and oversee the whole process. This problem comes complete with refusal to put clean clothes on, doesn't mind wearing smelly socks a second day.

Subject has also begun to slam doors.

The maintenance costs have also skyrocketed. The �needed� stuff to participate in all the typical daily male activities has gone up more than 500% in a 5 year period. Even with the added tax benefit he brings, I am WAY in the red on this investment.

Recently during a regularly scheduled monitoring session, it was discovered that when child had friends over, they had looked at pornographic material on one of our home computers, quite unsettling.

We�re also having several annoying communication errors. When the child is asked questions, or you try to talk to him, his answers almost always contain just one syllable, spoken in aggravated tone. Unit is also making a 'Tssss' sound. This is often in conjunction with the eye rolling, and accompanied by a terribly disdainful vibe.

If someone out there, anybody, anywhere, has the manual for this model child I�d gladly pay anything for it! Must contain the 'Troubleshooting, Solutions & Adolescence' section. I'm sure many of you will just tell us to read the 'Ass Beatings are a Good Thing' chapter. It probably would help the problem, & we haven�t yet ruled that out. Just want to start with the legal solutions.

*** Although the trade in value for this specific child is nil due to his total lack of work ethic, foul smell & and refusal to contribute anything positive to his environment. But I'd be willing to trade for the right product upgrade. Would prefer a sweeter, later (2000 or newer) female model that enjoys snuggling, getting hair braided, shopping, playing dress up and exchanging compliments. Must smell like a rose. Will gladly pay difference. ***