Scots Taffer on 25/5/2007 at 04:50
I was, of course, taking the first opportunity to take a jab at SD (I kid because I love) but I more or less agree too. It's been clearly indicated that he wasn't an addict and merely a recreational drug user, but this isn't just about his drug usage, promises were made in the early days of the marriage with regards to a resolve not to dabble so clearly betrayal (to jasee) in this case is no more than a broken promise. And broken promises when it comes to something as incendiary as drug use can be potent, realism doesn't factor into it in my opinion - people are either clearly anti/pro-drug use (hypocritically or not) and that's something that has to be accepted in a relationship, just as much as religious-tolerance or anything else.
New Horizon on 25/5/2007 at 04:57
Quote Posted by Shayde
First thought (-)= you are a cheating cuntrag.
I'm always amused by how willing people are to call down another human being for being...human. I wish the world were so black and white. Even if he had cheated, that wouldn't have necessarily made him a cuntrag. Cheating on someone, and being a cuntrag are two mutually exclusive states of being. If my wife were to cheat on me with another man or woman, I couldn't hate her for that...I couldn't call her down to the lowest for that, because outside of all that she would still be my friend and I would want to talk to her about why she felt the need to go outside of our relationship for physical contact. Perhaps emotionally, I could not fulfill her at that point in her life...or it's something she just needed to do to grow as a person. Who knows? We don't understand half of the things we do as human beings. What I do know, is that we're programmed to treat everything like a freaking soap opera. Life isn't like that. If you love the person you're with...and if they've been a good partner up until this point, you're going to try and help them through and keep your friendship/ partnership.
I don't use this word often, but I HATE such oversimplification. If we're willing to turn on a dime on someone we've loved for years over our damaged pride, then the relationship wouldn't have stood much of a chance.
Someone who leads a double life as a serial killer, but then comes home to play family man...now THAT is a cuntrag.
Shayde on 25/5/2007 at 06:11
Quote Posted by New Horizon
I'm always amused by how willing people are to call down another human being for being...human.
Horseshit, you teach people how to treat you. And if you teach your partner that you will forgive anything, and that any bad behaviour/betrayal is just human nature then prepare yourself for a world of abuse.
Granted I thought he was talking about sexual infidelity, and I wouldn't use the word betrayal for his situation.
Vasquez on 25/5/2007 at 06:26
Quote Posted by SD
I think you
are making excuses. Lies or no, if she still truly loved you, she'd forgive you and (if necessary) help you get off your drug habit - not bugger off and leave you. Sounds to me like the love was gone from your relationship long before the drugs thing reared its head.
In any case, if you have a wife who's going to get pissy about moderate recreational drug use, you're probably better off without her. Find someone more open-minded next time who accepts you for who you are, warts and all.
Thirded.
I can't believe how anyone can break a family with children over something like this - personal pride. If he had been doing drugs in destructive way, spending all the money and fucking up the life for all of them, I would totally agree with her. But this... sounds almost like an excuse for a divorce.
(Also, I don't understand why people with such strong opposite opinions on something get together in the first place.)
(EDIT: I don't understand why anyone would break a marriage with kids for one-time cheating, either. Just to let you know my opinion ;) )
jasee on 25/5/2007 at 06:50
Me just got up - drunk last night lol,
Thanks for comments all.
Today I think I see things a little clearer, and some of you have said that my drug taking and subsequent admittal to her, seems like a bit of a lame excuse for a break up, and I guess that isnt the real reason - we were drifting apart for a while, and I guess the drug confession thing just pushed it over the edge a bit - the cracks were already there.
But, saying that, its my youngest boys 3rd bithday today ( Tayler ):thumb: so that has well cheered me up. We (me and the ex - Karen) are taking him out for the day - and the sun is shining.
I am going to try to improve my social calendar, and I dont mean just lashing it up - things like join a gym, go to a knitting club - stuff like that, cos I aint gonna meet someone sitting on me arse am I.
Oh, and I still have all my own hair ha ha
Thanxs all
Jasee
Scots Taffer on 25/5/2007 at 09:13
Quote Posted by jasee
Today I think I see things a little clearer, and some of you have said that my drug taking and subsequent admittal to her, seems like a bit of a lame excuse for a break up, and I guess that isnt the real reason - we were drifting apart for a while, and I guess the drug confession thing just pushed it over the edge a bit - the cracks were already there.
Figured as much, there's very rarely one cause of a marital break-up. Still you seem to have you head squarely in the right place, best of luck to you in the future and I hope your relationship with your boys stays strong.
sparhawk on 25/5/2007 at 12:00
Quote Posted by jasee
Today I think I see things a little clearer, and some of you have said that my drug taking and subsequent admittal to her, seems like a bit of a lame excuse for a break up, and I guess that isnt the real reason - we were drifting apart for a while, and I guess the drug confession thing just pushed it over the edge a bit - the cracks were already there.
I have atheory about this. I think that people evolve over time, all their life. Well mabye some don't but people are chainging usually. When this happens in a friendship with different rates, I think this is where the cracks are coming. I noticed this with some of my best friends. I was changing my interests, and at some point I realized that I hadn't anything to talk about anymore with my best friend because we developed differently. Sometimes such friends can cath up again, and that's great, because it makes a friendship even deeper, and this happened several times in some cases in my life. But even though I have very longstanding friendships, I always thought that there is no point in enforcing a friendship because of the good 'ol times just for the sake of it. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to keep such friendships alive, but sometimes it simply doesn't work, and in such cases it's better to let go. Of course the same also happens with couples, after all, this can happen to any relationship. And it's questionable wether it is better for the sake of the kids to keep up an appearence of friendship, because this doesn't work and they kids will notice it anyway. So a clean divorce and staying in good contact is in such a case IMO better then screweing it up by acting it.
Quote:
But, saying that, its my youngest boys 3rd bithday today ( Tayler ):thumb: so that has well cheered me up. We (me and the ex - Karen) are taking him out for the day - and the sun is shining.
That's nice. :) How does he take it? I have a very good relationship with my son, which is now five, and I always wondered what would have happened if we were to divorce for some reason. I always thought that he would be hit the hardest, but I'm always also suprised how much kids, even at this age, can already understand and accept if you talk to them and explain it properly, without hiding away under the guise of cheerines.
Fingernail on 25/5/2007 at 12:09
Children are often much more resilient than people imagine - things are changing for them all the time anyway as they grow and develop, and they're much more willing to accept these changes, as long as they're not exposed to violent or confrontational (or competitive) behaviour between their parents.
jasee on 25/5/2007 at 12:38
Quote Posted by sparhawk
That's nice. :) How does he take it? I have a very good relationship with my son, which is now five, and I always wondered what would have happened if we were to divorce for some reason. I always thought that he would be hit the hardest, but I'm always also suprised how much kids, even at this age, can already understand and accept if you talk to them and explain it properly, without hiding away under the guise of cheerines.
The boys have been our main focus during our split, and maybe that is part of the reason why we haven't found anyone else, well, til now at least.
We both remain a huge part of their lives and to be honest I dont think it has - or will - leave them scarred or worse off in any way.She told Reece about her new fella, and that he would like to meet him and Tayler - tomorrow in fact in the New Forest.
I was going to see them as I usually do, and still might, cos I said to Karen that it has to be HIS decision, so we will ask him later. If he wants to meet him, there will be no guilt thrust upon him.
She also said that she has no intentions of moving in with him - cos she does not like his area, and that the boys already have a dad, so she is not looking for another one, which was comforting. Mind you, I know only too well that things change.
All in all though it has not turned out too bad. . . all thats left to do now is for me to go get laid ha ha:thumb:
JAsee
sparhawk on 25/5/2007 at 14:17
So from your description it sounds fair enough. The former husband of my wife also is drug addict. From your description much more so then you, but I don't know of course. In the beginning we discussed what we should do with the kids, because everybody of course said, that we shouldn't let his kid (only one is frmo him the others are mine) have contact with him considering that he is drug addict and such. But we agreed right from the start, that we wouldn't want to prevent it and in fact encouraged it. He was quite an ass to my wife (and this is not just from my position of being the "competitor" to him) but we figured that a) the relation to his kid is of course different then to a wife and b) we knew that he likes kids, so we didn't really fear that he would do something stupid. We also wanted to prevent that his daughter would get an overidealized image of him, if we would block the contact. This in turn could also have lead to her rejecting me on the basis that I stole her mother away from her good daddy (this kind of thinking), while this of course was not true at all. It worked out pretty good, because she learned to know him as he is, and as a consequence, she doesn't really like to go to him so much. If we would have prevented it, of course she would alwyas have thought that she were missing a great time with him, not knowing how he is most of the time.
So what I mean is, it probably depends on you, how your relation to your kids develop. I have known another father, who also got divorced, and he always kept a great relationship, because he cared for them, and visited them as often as he could. But not only this, it's important to give them the feeling that you care for them and that you here for them when they need you. In case of my wifes ex, our daughter realized that he does care, but not enough to understand her.
