Vigil on 24/5/2007 at 13:44
I must have missed the part where he said he'd been a crackhead for the duration of their marriage.
LesserFollies on 24/5/2007 at 14:58
It's a question of trust and respect, Vig. When you routinely lie to a spouse, you begin to subconsciously lose respect for her, simply because you can fool her. And when she finds out, she loses trust in you. Trust and respect are the keys to a good marriage. It doesn't matter what the issue is; if it's important to her, then she has the right to feel betrayed. And maybe his NOT doing coke and speed and lying to her about it while having young kids at home was important to her.
But, good luck to the poster. Keep in contact with your kids, let your wife know how sorry you are, and who knows.
*edited for clarity
TafferLing on 24/5/2007 at 15:18
Are womens always so one-minded? Hell, he was drug free for eight frigging years.
And he managed to clear himself in two years AND managed to not be a burden on his wife... and she complains about truth... Truth is waaaay too overrated!
She destroyed a marriage (which was probably jasee's focus when he was trying to quit)only for the sake of personal honesty! Who is she? Logic incarnate?
Addictions are stronger than love initially. Only time and hard will can make the latter prevail.
jasee on 24/5/2007 at 15:54
Wow,
my dad just came round so I was away for a bit.
I think I need to clear up one little thing ... I was in no way shape or form an addict to anything except tobacco.
For a few years before I met my missus I would have a snort if I was going out, but that wasn't THAT often cos clubs are loud and I prefer a good chin-wag:D
I have said to her that I would like to meet him because I would like to meet ANY man that may have contact with my kids.
I think maybe today I have absorbewd this news pretty well and rationally, but maybe tomorrow will be different. I think today I am in a practical mode and worried that it may change things with my boys, etc.
One thing I do not want, and have never been, is a part time dad...I have always been there for my boys, and like I said before, see them on a daily basis. I dont want that to change, but will it?
Jasee
jasee on 24/5/2007 at 15:57
And I agree with lesserfollies in a way,
a marriage is about trust and love and all that good shit. It aint there to bend or abuse when it suits ... I just realised that a bit too late:(
Jasee
TafferLing on 24/5/2007 at 16:05
Quote Posted by jasee
And I agree with lesserfollies in a way,
a marriage is about trust and love and all that good shit. It aint there to bend or abuse when it suits ... I just realised that a bit too late:(
Jasee
If you told her the truth from the start she would have dumped you from the start.
Some people are too similar to lawful good d&d paladins for my likings...
ignatios on 24/5/2007 at 16:07
hell yeah we should be chaotic neutral bard's :sly:
jasee on 24/5/2007 at 16:08
Thats true Lesserfollies,
but if I had done that and she had blown me out, we wouldn't have had our boys.
I was wrong and I admit that...cant dress it up any other way.
but point well and truly taken
Jasee
Hewer on 24/5/2007 at 16:22
My first wife cheated on, then left me, and took our son with her. She had lots of family around, her dad is well off and well connected, and honestly, after all the crap I went through, I didn't have the will or resources to fight her for custody. Luckily, she does have a conscience somewhere (I think she keeps it in a shoe box buried in the garden), because she does realize that she's to blame for everything, and has admitted that to me, even though she puts on a different face for our son. She didn't move away, even though she got re-married 8 months later, and she's been accomodating- I can see and take my son almost any time I want.
The hard part is that I have to watch her slowly screw my son up with her bad parenting. All I can do is to be there for him as much as I am able.
My advice is to be totally honest with your boys- don't hide anything from them "for their own good". There may be things that you can't tell them for one reason or another, but don't hide those things- tell your boys that's something you can't discuss and tell them why. For instance, if I say anything negative about my ex to my son (such as the REAL reason we got divorced because it's all negative about her), she can possibly use that against me in court to show that I've been "using my son against her". I don't know all the legal stuff about it- just enough to be careful. I've told my son that, no, we didn't just "fall out of love" with each other, that it was actually her decision, and I'll tell him all about it when he's 18. Until then he has to get it out of her if he can. She didn't like that, and still won't tell him anything.
Also, be there for your boys as much as possible- don't go deadbeat on them. It may not seem like they appreciate it, but there will be times when you can tell, and in the end everything will be better for it.
You've got a damn hard row to hoe, even in reasonably favorable conditions like mine, but I really think it's worth it in the end.
LesserFollies on 24/5/2007 at 16:25
I think you mean tafferling, not me ^^
