jasee on 24/5/2007 at 09:50
Hi Folks,
I aint been around for a while cos, well you know, life and stuff, but thought I would post today cos life has taken a different turn . . .
Quick synopsis .. . I been married for ten years - very happily - but for last couple of years things went haywire and she left with our two boys.
I sort of betrayed her, so its down to me I dont mind saying, but we have been in daily contact, and I see my boys everyday, and we get on really well. I have not been seeing anyone else, not wanted too, and neither has she - or so I thought, but I was at work today chatting to her and she just came out with it out of the blue that she has been seeing someone for about 3 months. met him at a pub, single dad, seen him a few times, but didnt tell me before cos she didnt know if anything would come of it.
Fair enough.
But, she likes him, wants him to meet our boys, take things further with him, etc etc, and I feel a bit, I dont know, up in the clouds at the moment.
What dont help either is that I am being made redundant at the end of June, and my house is gonna be repoed too at about the same time ha ha, but that is nothing to worry about, else I will first go grey, then my hair will fall out lol.
I have since said to her that I hope it works out between them, but I would like to - need to - see my boys how I have been doing, and of course, they need that too. And I have asked her to put boys first ... you know, they may not like him or vice versa.
Is that reasonable do you think? I aint been in this situation before. Thank God.
He lives a distance away too, and that scares me too for obvious reasons.
SO, I just thought I would share that with y'all , cos you is a nice bunch. I mean that.
Any thoughts?
Jasee
Shayde on 24/5/2007 at 10:24
First thought (-)= you are a cheating cuntrag.
Second thought (+)= You accept that you have been a cheating cuntrag and are making an effort with your boys so that helps.
Third thought (+)= You have been quite reasonable about her new relationship and haven't tried to tell her what she can and can't do.
Good luck. I hope you don't lose your house and find a new job quickly.
jasee on 24/5/2007 at 11:09
First thought (-)= you are a cheating cuntrag.
The betrayal was not sexual, but, betrayal is betrayal, no matter how its dressed up, eh.
The " betrayal " I was on about was about drugs ... before I met my missus I used to like a bit of speed and coke, and told her that I had given it up cos I met her, but carried on for about two years ... not regularly, just when I went out, which was not often to be honest. Anyways, I told her a couple of years ago, and, although she was well pissed about it, I thought she was ok with it. But, when I first told her about my snorting past when we met, she said something along the lines of "if I ever find out you are lying to me you is out the door" (she is SOOO anti drugs ).
Part of the problem is, is that she has a couple of mates who like to stick thier oar in, as we all have I guess, and I think they may have gotten it into her head that if I lied about that, then what else have I lied about.
But, I still lied to her, and thats the point so I cant make excuses.
I promised her I was not taking drugs you see,and promises are big things. . .but like I said, I carried on for a bit. I dont even blame her friends, although I do think they were a catalyst in the whole situation.
If there is a lesson to be learnt here, its never to lie to someone you love, cos it will bite you in the ass eventually
Jasee
Vigil on 24/5/2007 at 11:23
I think the moral is actually "if you lie, don't come clean about it later."
I don't mean that as censure, just as an observation. Good luck with your house and finding a new job, I really hope things work out. Can't you sell before that happens, and hopefully recoup more of your debts that way than you would if the bank took it out of your hands?
I think it's quite fair for you to ask her to respect your kids and your continuing access to them when getting seriously involved with a new partner.
Vivian on 24/5/2007 at 11:53
I think the real moral is - don't do coke! It turns you into a sweaty fuckbag and can probably lead to incredibly bad judgement in popular music. Usually idolising Chris Cornell - what is it with cokeheads and Christ Cornell? I mean, to you and me he's just silly-bearded hasbeen who tries to do queens of the stone age and ends up doing lenny kravitz, but if you're a prematurely balding, open-shirted provincial coke fiend with a naff sportscar he becomes some sort of god.
Oh yeah, the marriage - looks like it's over, chum. Oh well, sounds like you basically knew that anyway, but it's a fucker when it actually hits you. Time to accept your role as divorced dad and have sex with a young waitress or two.
jasee on 24/5/2007 at 11:58
Thanx Vigil,
I know what you are saying.
My house is worth more than I owe on it, so thats not a problem, and I have good qualifications and lots of experience in my career, so I aint unduly worried about that either, but yes, I have thought many a time that there is honesty and HONESTY... some things may be left untold. . . but I thought we was safe if you know what I mean.
I think the best thing to do is to be positive. I have two boys who I would die for, and they are priority number one.
oh, and if anyone else has been through this sort of shite, I would appreciate thier comments/experiences :)
Jasee
Briareos H on 24/5/2007 at 12:00
*censored to avoid hurting sensibilities of the original poster's ex-wife and a few resident female posters*
;)
Good luck with your boys and future life jasee :)
sparhawk on 24/5/2007 at 12:10
If you used drugs and promised her to stop because of her, and she (or both you) actually believed that, then IMO you are both pretty naive. Sorry for saying that, but that's what I think. So even if she told you that she will abandon you if she finds out about it, this is IMO a pretty unrealistic expectation. If she knows about drugs (which I assume she does if she is so ANTI about it), then she should have known from the start that you can not do anything else but lying to her about it, unless you are in official treatment. There is a reason why there is such a high rate of people going back. If it were that easy, to just make a few promises and you are rid of that, then it wouldn't really be a problem, right?
As for your current problem with the boys, I can symphatize with that. Fortunately I have a good relationship with my wife, but I don't know what I would do if we would ever divorce. What you do about it is up to you to decide. I guess in my case, if she met some other guy and moves somehwere else, I probably would move along. I don't think I would like it to see my kids every few months, because they live to far away.
My wife got divorced before she met me, and we have a pretty good relationship with her former husband. We get along well enough, so it's no problem if he comes to visit us to see his kid, and in fact we also encouraged that for various reasons. Don't know how long your ex already knows this new guy, but maybe you can arrange to meet with him, so you can get an assessment wether you can get along with him. Without knowing him, you can hardly say anything, because it depends on both of you. Your kids certainly need you if you have a good relationship with them, so you should try to keep it.
Kolya on 24/5/2007 at 12:35
Sympathies, jasee. You seem to have a sensible grip on the situation and there's not much advice to give than what you already know. Uncle Bacon hit it right on the head. (Well apart from the coke=Cornell rant maybe.) But yeah, it's time to start your new life now. Best of luck with it.
I'm actually asking myself a bit why you posted since, as I said, you don't seem to need advice. Have you mayhaps started doing speed/coke again?
Dia on 24/5/2007 at 12:52
Being married to an addict of any kind is seven kinds of hell. Especially someone addicted to an expensive drug like coke. My first husband was a cokehead and for years I listened to the promises which always turned out to be false; made only to placate me. I can't tell you the number of times our mortgage was almost foreclosed upon - to the point where at one time I was holding down two jobs (having two young kids as well) just trying to do damage control and make ends meet. I hung in there for as long as I could and finally realized I was beating a dead horse; he'd snorted away whatever love and respect I'd once had for him. So I made him leave. My life and that of my kids changed almost immediately for the better.
Your wife isn't coming back to you. Kudos to her. I'd say just suck it up and try to deal with it in the most positive manner you can muster. Your wife has a new, improved (hopefully) life now and all you can do is be there for your kids. Oh - and get your sorry life back in order as soon as possible. Your kids need structure and security and you still have the responsibility to provide that for them. Agree with your wife on a regular visitation schedule with your kids and stick to it. Also, keep the lines of communication open with your children because this whole thing is probably a little bewildering for them.
And do yourself and your kids a big favor; stay away from the drugs.
