fett on 21/1/2008 at 16:30

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Dear sirs,

I am a presumably valued consumer of your many products, particularly your DVD collections. I estimate that my family has spent approximately $3,454,987.56 on DVD's over the last 5 years and I therefore feel I have some grounds to speak out.

Let me be clear. I am a stay-at-home dad. I do not buy your movies for their artistic merit, voice talent, social commentary, director's commentary, or character development. I personally prefer movies with naked women and exploding airplanes, but I digress. I purchase your product for one reason and one reason alone. To entertain, nay - preoccupy my children for approximately 1.5 hours at a time. This allows me the freedom to indulge in various recreational activities such as cooking, cleaning, stuffing down a half mauled bagel since I haven't eaten all day, or taking a crap without a kid on my lap. In short, I am a busy man with many responsibilities, and your movies could serve to ease my task just a bit. With that in mind, I would like to suggest the following changes:

1) When I insert the DVD, take me directly to the main menu. Even better, if I don't press the 'play movie' button in less than 3 seconds, automatically play the damn movie. It irritates me (read: pisses me the hell off) when I am FORCED to stand there fast forwarding through 74 minutes of sneak previews and trailers for movies that came out 4 years ago. I have already bought these other movies and cannot understand why you feel the need to cram them down my throat every time I want to watch the actual movie that I have inserted into the player. As of late, some companies, such as Disney, have a 'fast play' feature that supposedly allows me to skip these previews by pressing the 'disc menu' button. This only passes over the ads, but not the previews - which begin to play when I press the 'play' button on the main menu. If I find the person responsible for this assault on my time and intelligence I will rape their mother and set their car on fire.

Other companies have gone so far as to disable the menu button during the previews and ads, forcing me to manually fast forward through trailers for Garfield, Shark Tale, Fat Albert, a Don't Do Drugs, Coca Cola, Nike, and Dating Service commercial, while trying to contain the overflowing crappy diaper of the two year old on my hip, help my 5 year old to navigate around the dog vomit in the floor, and answer the doorbell. I'm looking at YOU Dreamworks. What did I ever do to you? Leprosy upon you, your children, your pets, and your stockholders, to the 5th and 6th generations.

2) Put your FBI and Interpol warnings at the end of the movie, or hell, make them a 'special feature' on the disc (since they're about as exciting as most of the other touted 'extras' I paid the $17 for). I assure you, my 5 year old isn't going to pirate your movie. I don't have time to sit through the things (since you've disabled the fast forward and skip buttons for this portion of the DVD I hope your dog gets hit by a truck), much less copy them and give them out to friends. I don't have friends, and I haven't had a shower in four days (these problems are possibly related) so FUCK YOU if you think I care about someone else copying your film.

3) To prevent a full frontal tank assault on your office building by me, please simplify your packaging:

a) When I get the $17 disc home from the store, I am usually carrying a sleeping child, 12 bags of groceries, the mail, a dead bird, and the body of a Jehovah's Witness who had the balls to approach me in my driveway. By the time I get all this tucked away, my 5 year old is bouncing off the walls wanting to see his new movie. He is not a spoiled or greedy child, just excited to view your product. He should not be subjected to screaming, cursing, and inappropriate remarks about the sexual proclivities of the mother of Jesus at his tender age, as dad is driven to employ power tools to get the fucking thing open. If you're too stupid to realize that the majority of the thieves are downloading your film instead of stealing it from Target, and by putting twelve security labels and a proximity mine on the DVD case you're punishing your real customers, I'm soon going to BE the guy downloading your ass movie. Give me a break here - life is too short for this bullshit.

b) Once I have opened the store packaging, put out the fires, and convinced the two state troopers at my door that everything is fine, I'm still confronted with a slip cover and two small tabs that have to be popped open before I can open the case and get to the movie. Are you kidding me? It takes me longer to get the disc out than my kids spend watching the movie. I'm usually trying to do this with one hand while holding a broom, mop, child, or handgun in the other. You're killing me. Put the damn movie in a fucking paper bag for all I care - I don't need the tri-fold glossy 3-D artists rendering of the writer's original vision for the cover. I need ACCESS. Give it to me now or I start killing puppies.

4) Hey Pixar, I love your short films that play before each feature presentation. Guess what? My kids like 'em too. The problem is that they're short films. Like 3 minutes long. Do you guys think I actually want to spend another 45 minutes opening the DVD case again, just so my kids can watch the short film that you've so conveniently located ON THE SECOND DISC? Why do you hate me so much? Let's see - what else is on the second disc my kids might like? The audio commentary? - No. The biographies of the cast, crew, and everyone that brought the director coffee during the filming? - NEIN. The original storyboards from the brainstorming sessions you had with your wife's cousin at Denny's when you conceived the idea for the film? - Abso-fucking-lutely Not. Hmmm...Wow - there's not a friggin' thing on the second disc that remotely interests anyone under the age of 35. Here's an idea - make a special disc with all that shit on it to send to your mom or boyfriend, I'm sure they're very proud and actually give a rat's ass about your 'inspiration' and the camaraderie with your twelve-figure salary buddies around the office that you've managed to capture on the documentary. Then, just as a small favor for being the very reason you HAVE an office, put the short film IN FRONT OF the feature presentation - just like in the theater! I know - a brilliant idea that I wish I could take sole credit for, except that YOU GUYS CAME UP WITH IT FIRST! Which childless asshat decided to move it to the other disc? I'm no marketing genius, I'm just dragass tired of running back and forth to the DVD player every 5 minutes to switch the discs back and forth, trailing toilet water, laundry detergent, or mucus the entire way. Thanks a million you self-absorbed dumbasses.

Thank for taking the time to consider these helpful suggestions. Together, I'm sure we can prevent parent's all over the world from coming to your place of residence to suffocate you with a plastic Wal-mart bag.

Sincerely,
A dissatisfied customer

dj_ivocha on 21/1/2008 at 17:14

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Sometimes I like watching trailers, even if they are 4 years old.

ataricom on 21/1/2008 at 17:46

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Yussssss

TBE on 21/1/2008 at 18:11

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Use DVD Shrink and re-author the DVD. Select Main Movie only, and then BURN!

David on 21/1/2008 at 18:32

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Obviously this is the best solution for a man with no time and no free hands.