MriyaMachine on 20/7/2022 at 22:12

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Hi TTLG. Excuse that last hiccup,

So first of all,

I retract everything I said in my previous thread dated Jul 8, which is absolutely nothing. That is to say, I retract absolutely nothing. It was wrong, it was incoherent, it was morally depraved, none of it made sense, and it was simply false. Except the part where I said I was sick. I am sick. I stand by that.

No really tho guys (and this is not at all to say that anything I say should be taken seriously, because nothing I say should be taken seriously, but speaking seriously:) I've been having a rough time lately. A very rough time. My conscious mind could not think up the kind of bizarre nightmare my life has been, which is where I start to get a real eerie skepticism of my unconscious mind…because I know that unconsciously my life is as it is because I want it that way, and there's no understating how much I've learned about how completely self-sabotaging and self-humiliating and masochistic I am by nature. I'll not get lost on that rant tho…

So yea things have been super rough, chaotic, and unpredictable with me this year. It mostly pertains to problems with my self-medication—issues with obtaining it, but also moderating myself when I'm on it (e.g. avoiding falling into an unhealthy mix of mania and anxiety when I know that I'm quickly running out of it and won't get more for looong weeks, and proceeding to take unadvisably-large doses of what I have left *because fuck it*, which never fail to culminate into a manic episode (of bipolar) that might inspire me to do something like write a completely substance-less thread on TTLG full of references completely unrelated to anyone here and in general indicating to my audience that I am indeed not in a healthy mental state. (Worse things have also happened, such as choosing to drive off to the library after taking a dangerous combination of high doses of aforementioned self-meds after just getting out of jail, ending up blanking out and crashing my car into a row of bushes and a metal fence + a metal sign, destroying everything in the car except myself and having no recollection of the event whatsoever.)

Excuse the run-on paragraph… anyway onto my self-medication, kinda what I want to talk about most in this thread. I've probably already mentioned this, but I have bipolar and OCD—expanding upon that, my case is something of a complex one. Particularly, it's riddled with some real onerous catch-22s, for example: the OCD is certainly the most burdensome/painful of the two disorders I deal with, and treating it is the main priority in being able to live an enjoyable life, but complications arise with treatment because 1) the OCD is treatment-resistant, meaning that it doesn't react effectively to any established psychiatric medicine, and for that I have found the only solution in dissociative anaesthetics, which are the likes of ketamine, PCP, and DXM (Those who knew my in my earlier TTLG days might remember that I was using DXM regularly those days, and it wasn't recreational…in hindsight I was taking it as a remedy to what were the early stages of my life with incapacitating OCD, though I wasn't fully aware of it at the time.) 2) these dissociative anaesthetics that I use as an ONLY known cure for my OCD (I will get into what the actual chemicals are in a sec) nonetheless have potential dangers of their own as taken by someone with bipolar: taking them without careful dose moderation risks triggering a manic episode. And a good example is that last thread I posted…that's the kind of dumb shit I might do in a fit of mania.

In that case, I had just taken my last dose of a dissociative (deschloroketamine or DCK in this case) before running out, and it was looking like I wasn't going to be getting any more for a couple weeks (which had me very stressed). Because it was the last I had, I didn't measure my dose, I just took all of what I had left (prolly more than I thought it was). And with that careless dosing on top of the stress of not knowing when I was going to get more, as well as personal life stressors n stuff, I did what was typical of me in such moments and made a completely incoherent, pointless, weird thread.

But anyway, the main reason for this thread is to say that I now do actually have my self-medication strategy under control, through all the difficulties, and believe me it is difficult. The dissociative chemicals I need are only synthesized in parts of Europe where drug laws are of actual rational benefit to humanity (Netherlands, Portugal, Eastern Europe), and the rest of the world's war on drugs makes it especially difficult to get these life-saving medications to the hands of the people who need them such as I, so it involves a lot of subversive tactics, but vendors and labs have always found a way. My primary vendor now is RealChems.net (check out their arylcyclohexalamines section; this is where I am getting all of my self-meds right now and into the forseeable future), and because they ship from NL (90% certainty that US Customs will seize it), I now have a mail forwarding service in Vancouver, BC that I must use in order for these chemicals to land in my hands.

…and that about encapsulates the treacherous path that is my life up to this point. Things are improving, I'm finding myself with a reliable system in place to get the help (meds) I need when I need them, and the only real worry is money. This stuff does put a dent in my wallet. I work full time as a dishwasher at a local restaurant (a job I love, by the way, as tiring as it is), and I get a $740 SSI check on top of that. With continued encouragement and energy I'll be able to feel well and enjoy life (much unlike 2021) and at last enjoy being active on TTLG again! All a part of my mission to be a better me this year and forward…

And yeah I'm building a badass computer right now but I'll have another thread about that, I'll have pictures.

<3

MriyaMachine on 21/7/2022 at 00:00

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:angel: